USS Seawolf (SSN575). Our watch section was under the watchful eye of a TMC named Christen. As all of you know there are times when you are just hanging around, not really going anywhere but just waiting for something to happen. Those watches can really become boring. The guys on the planes watches began to clown around and it descended into a farting contest. This is one of the reasons I don't think we will ever see women on submarines. The guys would squirm and grunt trying to generate the winning blast! One of the contestants was a TM2 named Kevin Baldwin.
Baldwin had waited patiently while the others took their best shot. Finally when he was sure no one could respond, he made his move. With his face turning red from the pressure Baldwin let go with his shot at the title. Suddenly he relaxed and sat very still. Turning in his seat the called the Chief over and asked to be relived so he could make a head call. Every one was blue with laughter. Baldwin waddled toward the ladder that would take him below to relief. He looked back at Chief Christen and half asked, half pleaded; " were not going to tell anyone about this are we"? Chief assured him it would remain with in our watch section. Reassured, Baldwin continued on and when he disappeared down the ladder Chief grabbed the JA phone and selected the Torpedo Room!
Several days passed and I was off watch, in a deep sleep. Suddenly the lights came on and the word was passed over the 1MC " All hands not on watch, report to crews mess". For me this was terrible timing as I had spent all of my previous off time crawling around in the engine room working on hydraulics. I got dressed and followed the other guys into the crew's mess, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down, trying to overcome a deep desire to return to the sack. Eventually the XO arrived, asked for our attention and began talking. Through a sleepy haze his words were not getting through. He just wasn't making any sense. Finally, I looked up from my cup and tried to focus on what he was saying. He was talking about being properly dressed so I assumed that this was a damage control lecture; or was it? What did any of this have to do with the boat? The XO continued; offering an example, he spoke of a young British officer who was arrested and court marshaled because he was caught chasing a girl across the parade ground, totally nude. The officer was ultimately acquitted because the court ruled he was properly attired for the activity in which he was engaged at the time! Thus XO's point was made concerning proper attire. He then began to explain, to those who had not heard, about Baldwin's little accident. He explained how military preparedness would demand the proper garments be worn to prevent the necessity of a man having to be relieved should such an event occur at a critical time such as during a periscope approach. At this time Baldwin was called up and presented with a custom made pair of paints which had been festooned with " Baldwin's seven day shitters". The paints had been appropriately fashioned from a fart sack and were equipped with ties around the ankles and a flap in the rear. A lanyard was attached to the flap with instructions to pull for emergency dump. The fashion moguls who designed this wonder insisted that Baldwin could shit his paints for seven days with out the need for a head call. To my knowledge they were never tested to this depth. Baldwin graciously accepted the paints and showed up wearing them on his next watch. - Jim Terrell |
